Mirror Work

I began using mirror work in 2016, after I was diagnosed with a benign facial tumor that paralyzed half my face. When the paralysis first set in, I avoided the mirror like the plague. My face had suddenly and drastically changed. I couldn’t smile and I was in a space of deep grief. I wanted to avoid my reflection. I thought it was ugly.

After reconstructive surgery, I had a long road of PT ahead of me, learning to smile again. And I was determined, not only to be able to smile but also to soften into acceptance and love for my new asymmetrical smile. I had to look in the mirror to do my PT and I started spending time staring into my own eyes. I intuitively began saying phrases of affirmation: “I love you” “you are beautiful”. And with practice, it really worked. I began to enjoy my mirror time and the connection I felt with myself and my beauty that I thought I had lost.

I took this practice further, spending time looking at my body and touching it. Affirming that it was mine. “This is my body.” “These are my legs.” “This is my belly.” Reclaiming the parts that felt taken and used. And noticing my body for what it is, rather than judging it. Observing its shapes, colors, and textures. Acknowledging what all the parts do for me, and what they have experienced. I began spending time with the part of my body that carried the most shame: my genitals. Gazing at my own genitals in the mirror, enjoying their beauty, shedding layers of shame, and the belief that they were wrong in some way.

Most recently I have discovered the power of watching my body be touched in the mirror, by someone else or myself. And how this has assisted me in re-inhabiting my body and integrate my experience of disassociation. I spent years of my life living outside my body. A safety mechanism of defense learned from abuse. Watching it while it was being touched and not having to feel what was happening. And now I am inhabiting my body, feeling the sensation of the wanted touch, and watching it being touched in my reflection.