On Enduring

Enduring feels like tightening in my solar plexus and heart. Heat and tension in my shoulders. Caving in. Numb. My body is screaming. Like firecrackers going off inside of me. A jolt of heaviness telling me to yell, kick, run, push. But my body and voice are stuck. A ball in my throat. I can’t make noise. My legs and arms are stuck. Paralyzed.

Enduring is the feeling state I experienced through all of my sexual trauma before disassociation set in.

During desired sex, I would endure numbness. When I go numb, I lose connection and no longer feel present and need to stop the sexual activity or make a change to what we are doing. I endured the numbness because of shame. I was ashamed that I go numb. Why can’t I just have sex like a “normal person”? Why am I not turned on? I want to give my partner what they want. I don’t want to disappoint them. They might not like me. They won’t desire me. I want to be loved. I want to be desired. And then I would have shame for having shame. For getting stuck in this loop of untruths and for not being able to instantaneously listen to my body, own my feelings, love them and myself, and voice my needs. I have learned to listen to my body. To give it a voice and respond to its needs.

When I resist, I endure. When I move into acceptance, I soften. I am grounded in awareness. I am learning to love my numbness. From here I can cultivate pleasure.